


When Immortality Gets You Down

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e10 This World Inverted, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Reference to Previous suicidal tendencies, Self destructive Magnus, Suicidal Magnus, Vulnerable Magnus Bane, talks about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 16:13:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12084612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I wrote this whilst watching the scene after Magnus went to see Alec and how Magnus coped with knowing that Alec was getting married. :)Sorry for the abrupt ending





	When Immortality Gets You Down

"I hear it calling  
Down in my soul  
Gripping my bones  
It won't let go" - Bad Dream, Ruelle

There’s a million different ways he could do it.

In the bath tub. Warm water pooling around his body as he gripped the blade in a soaked, shaking hand and cut and even line up the side of his arm and simply go to sleep.To rest against the porcelain tub and listen to the water run all around him reminding him of the lake near his parents house. No, that would take too long and it would hurt to much.

The subway wasn’t too far. He could step onto the tracks. It would be quick and relatively painless. No, that wouldn’t work either. It’s too messy. Too much hassle.

Carbon monoxide poisoning?

Drink himself to death?

Hanging himself?

Drowning himself? 

Falling to his death?

A drug overdose? Ah, that one was appealing. Riding a high into oblivion like a surfer would ride a wave into the beach

Finding himself shaking his head at every thought his brain provided. Magnus settled onto the couch in his living room and willed the feelings to stop. For everything to stop.

“That’s why I proposed to Lydia. It’s a solid partnership.”

Solid partnership

Solid partnership.

Solid Partnership.

God, he remembers how broken and foreign he sounded to his own ears. Masking it with laughter and sarcasm. Snapping out replies faster than his brain even knew what he was saying. Fighting tooth and nail to yank his emotions away and pin them to the back of his mind where they belonged.

But that didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore because the love of his life had gone and he was alone, again. Alone except for the ticking clock and his cat. But even one day the clock will stop and Chairman will pass. And he will be alone again.

*I guess I can always just buy a new clock and a new cat…* Magnus thought absentmindedly to himself but knew that no matter how many possessions he fills his life it will remain empty and void of love. After all, a cat can only love you so much.

Getting up off of the couch, Magnus went over to the alcohol cabinet and took out a bottle of vodka

*might as well start drinking. It would go to waste if I died before I had a taste of it* He thought to himself.

Walking over to the couch with the bottle in hand he began to think of Alexander again.

The man he loved was to be married to someone he had known a total of 5 minutes. Alec with his bright, gorgeous eyes shining down like they were heaven’s light. Or ablaze with anger as if Hell’s heat and fire took up residence in his pupils. He was going to marry for the sake of his family. Not for love...

The lightbulb popping brought him out of his daydreaming. God it had been forever since he lost control like that. It made him want to do it more. Reek more destruction. It was like fire burning through his veins, choking him, gripping and clawing at his veins like a drug. A high that never really went away after his parents died.

*It went away when Alexander was here, though.* Throwing the empty glass at the wall, Magnus flinched as he looked at the ragged shards of glass that littered his carpet.

That's the thing. Maybe he should stop flinching away. Stop fighting the impulses and the thoughts. To give in to the temptation. To end what he should have ended on that bridge all those years ago. To let go.

With a sigh, Magnus put his drink down, and curled up on the sofa and fell asleep. It may not be bearable but he will endure this. It will pass like it did years and years ago. It will always pass


End file.
